“There’s a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes” as soon as I saw this quote it literally hit me like a tone of bricks, my heart felt like it sank to my stomach and then someone ripped it out of me I just bursted into tears..Lots of tears!
Miscarriage is something I never thought I would ever experience, I had normal pregnancies and 3 healthy boys to show for it, not once did the word miscarriage ever enter my mind.
Our world was turned upside down recently and I do find it really hard to talk about. I did however find comfort in speaking to other women that had been through the same, I don’t know I guess it does make you feel a little less lonely and having someone to talk to that understands your pain makes it a little easier to deal with such a horrific experience.
It is still very raw but i was compelled to share my story, something was telling me that I needed to share this with others and the sooner the better. I asked to annonymously post some questions I had about what I was going through on a Facebook group which I regularly use, I’m not quite sure why I didn’t want anyone to know it was me, maybe I felt ashamed that my body wasn’t doing what I thought it should be doing or that it made me feel like I failed as a woman..I don’t quite know..but what I do know is that once I started to see familiar faces commenting that they too had experienced it I suddenly felt comfort, I felt like I wasn’t alone and I felt like I NEEDED to talk about it. It was like a huge weight had been lifted and I could actually talk to other women who had gone through the same.
Miscarriage seems to be a taboo subject and I was blown away to find out how many people that I know have actually gone through this and I had no idea they had before hand.. I’m talking close friends too and even family members!!! For this reason I have decided to openly share my experience not only in the hope that it will make someone out there feel a little less lonely but also to help me heal.
1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage… 1 in 4…that is crazy statistics yet most who have experienced it suffer in silence.
My babies took a while to conceive, London and Cortez where each over a year of trying, month after month of seeing negative tests was hard. We weren’t trying this time around so it came as a huge shock. It was the 21st of December, I wasn’t 100% sure but I thought I may have been late for my monthly by a week or two. While we were in town I got hubby to run into the grocery store for a couple of bits and asked him to grab a pregnancy test. I asked what his thoughts would be if it came back positive on the ride home and he said he would be happy as, how could he not be!
As soon as we got home I ran to the bathroom to take the test, I was so nervous because I’m in the middle of studying at the moment and entering into a new exciting career so I wasn’t sure where it would leave me should it come up positive. It didn’t take long for the second line to come up, it was a little faint but it was definitely reading positive! It was our little Christmas miracle!!
I wasn’t sure what to do, I wanted to tell hubby but then I thought about waiting and surprising him on Christmas morning so I walked out of the bathroom trying to keep a straight face, I was going to tell him it was negative! As soon as I walked out he approached me and said “well what did it say?” And trying my hardest not to smile and give it away I said “nah babe, it’s negative!” He looked disappointed. I rang my mum and told her and asked what I should do, should I tell him now or surprise him?! I can’t lie to save my life so I decided to tell him.I quickly wrapped the test up in a box while he was outside doing jobs, I got him and the kids to sit down and I handed him the box.. he opened it and laughed “I so knew it!” And the kids where so excited to hear the news they have a little brother or sister on the way.
Everything was going great, I felt the horrible morning sickness and hoped that I wouldn’t get it as bad as I did with Cortez but I didn’t really care, I was just happy that a little life was growing inside of me and that I’d get to experience the magic of giving birth again. I felt so blessed and excited for my growing little family.
On Christmas Day everything turned to crap. That afternoon I saw pink blood when I went to the bathroom. My heart sank and I automatically thought the worst and started to panic. I kept going to the bathroom to see if it went away and it didn’t. Boxing Day came and it was still there only it turned into bright red blood. I had lost hope at this point and my heart was breaking, I was a mess. Hubby took me to the emergency room where we sat for over 3 and a half hours waiting to be seen.
I had a blood test done and the doctor did an internal and said the bleeding wasn’t bad and that my cervix was closed which was a good sign. I stared to calm down and felt like I had hope again that everything will be ok. I was to return to the hospital in two days time to have another blood test to see if my HCG levels where doubling.
I felt pretty calm and confident that everything would be ok and that it was just implantation bleeding. I had my bloods taken again on Wednesday the 28th and confidently made my way to the women’s health department where I waited to be seen by the doctor.
My husband and kids where all with me, hubby wanted to be there of corse and since it was the holidays and family had plans we had to take the kids with us. I remember sitting in the chair and this doctor looking straight at me all that i could hear was “I’m sorry, your levels have dropped”, “I’m sorry it isn’t the news you wanted to hear” I felt numb, was I really hearing this? Was it a joke? Am I dreaming this? I have no clue what else she was saying because all that I could hear over and over was the words “I’m sorry” I felt like the walls where closing in on me, I tried to stay strong for my kids, they where in this friggen room with me for goodness sake. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I just let it all out, I was shocked, I was hurting..badly! This is my baby growing inside of me HOW can this actually be happening? HOW can I seriously be loosing my baby??? WHY???
I remember my kids looking at me while I was crying, they looked scared and asked what was wrong with me, along with the hurt I then felt a huge rush of guilt come over me. What have I put my kids through? I should never have told them I was pregnant, they shouldn’t be here seeing this, what the heck have I done?! I really didn’t expect this news I genuinely thought it would all be ok nothing to worry about..
I tried my hardest to hold back the tears I really did but I was so distraught, my heart was breaking into a million little pieces.
The doctor handed me a referral for an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and we hopped in the car. I was so numb all that I could think of was this poor little person inside of me that I couldn’t save and was slipping away from me.
The ultrasound showed that it wasn’t ectopic and I stared at the screen frantically trying to look for a heartbeat. The lady said it could be too early to see one anyway but the baby was lying very low in my uterus, lower than normal. My heart sank when I saw Brooklyn look at the screen and say “look there’s my little brother or sister aye dad?” At this point I felt like I had failed my family.
Two days later I was back to the hospital having my bloods taken again. The HCG levels had risen slightly and I was left feeling more confused. The Doctor thought it may be an ectopic and wasn’t picked up. since the baby was so low down it was looking like it could be a cervical ectopic pregnancy which is pretty rare but pretty scary as the chances of bleeding out or even needing a hysterectomy where higher. I don’t quite know how to describe the emotions I had felt up until this point, but they where everywhere and I was a mess. I just wanted answers but instead I was in limbo, hands down the saddest, cruelest most heart wrenching thing Iv ever experienced and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I was supposed to come back again in two days, Sunday the 1st January for repeat bloods and an ultrasound and I was preparing myself for the worst. I prepared myself that I may need surgery and me and my husband had the talk “if anything happens to me”..it was so real and so terrifying.
I didn’t last until then. Instead I was taken to ED with heavier bleeding and pain. The fear and reality of it all was really starting to sink in now.
At approximately 5pm I miscarried naturally.
I can’t explain the devastation and the hurt I felt, I just couldn’t believe this was happening.
I never knew just how much it could hurt to loose something I never really had to start with.
It sucked listening to people celebrating the new year and watching the fireworks go off from the hospital window while I lay there crying my heart out wishing this was all just a nightmare I could wake up from. The fact that I’ll never get to feel him/her kick or get to hold him/her in my arms fills my heart with so much sadness.
I love my children so much and I would do absolutely anything for them, I hate that I couldn’t do anything to save this little one.
I now look at my 3 boys and I have a whole new appreciation for them, I feel so blessed on a different level than before to have them and have had uncomplicated pregnancies. I now realise how complicated it actually is to create and sustain life and how we have absolutely no control of what happens next we just have to trust and have faith.
One thing I believe is that you are a Mother the moment you find out you are pregnant and I can’t speak for everyone but the moment I find out I fall in love and bond instantly. Even though I lost the pregnancy very early I will remember this clearly for the rest of my life, it doesn’t matter that it was early on in the pregnancy and did not get to meet him/her, I will always consider this little person part of our family and honor his/her place in the world.
The experience of miscarrying has been an incredibly painful and intense journey. I have felt great comfort from all the stories and experiences shared with me about pregnancy loss throughout these last few weeks. I decided to open up about this because I believe it is very important to address that so many women experience miscarriage in their lifetime and suffer in silence and isolation. It’s something that isn’t often discussed openly and publicly but no one needs to suffer alone and in silence! It is ok to be sad, it is ok to be angry, it is ok take as much time as you need to heal, it’s ok to not want to talk about it and IT IS TOTALLY OK TO TALK ABOUT IT , it’s about whatever helps us to work through the process of grief, there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.
As terrible and heartbreaking this experience was I walked out of the hospital with a whole new appreciation for life. I feel extremely blessed to be able to go home to my 3 boys who have shown me strength I never knew I had and I also feel lucky to have walked out with everything still in tact. I could have walked out of there with a hysterectomy or worse – not walked out at all.
It really breaks my heart to think about just how common miscarriage is, 1 in 4 is insane, it is heart breaking to think of how many women have been through something like this. Life can be so cruel sometimes but I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and you really do have to try and think positively otherwise it consumes you.
My heart truly goes out to those of you who have suffered any kind of pregnancy loss, I hope we can all grow from the horrible experience of suffering to become more loving and compassionate to each other…Us women really do need to stick together!
I really hope my story helps to comfort and guide at least one person as hearing other people’s stories helped me. Just know that you are not alone, PLEASE know you are not alone! It is ok to reach out to people and talk about it, it helps us to greive and also heal. Be kind to everyone and please hug your kids real tight, they truly are little blessings and we are very very lucky to have them.
A special thank you to those who where there for me through this (you know who you all are!) just a simple message saying “thinking of you” really does help a lot, understandably it’s hard to know the right things to say to people going through something like this but really saying something as simple as those three words is better than saying nothing at all xoxox
“I’ll see you in my dreams tonight, I’ll kiss your cheek and hold you tight. I have no tears left to cry, you have flown away my butterfly”